After years of watching parents pick up their child from school, I must admit, I have a favorite — Derrell Johnson. Derrell was the most loving and genuine example I have ever seen. His face lit up and he was always excited to see Avery…every single time! If he’d had a bad day or was tired, you’d never know it. What message is your child receiving from you when you pick them up at school? Are you stressed from your day? Rushing them to the car? On your phone? Or are you letting them know you are happy to see them? It’s so much healthier for BOTH the parent and the child when they enjoy the moment of reunion after being apart. But why? Why is acting happy to see your child so important?
How Important is a Smile?
A simple smile from you helps your child feel safe and secure, is good for building the parent- child connection, and smiling at your child releases hormones that can boost their brain development. Because I am a Type A parent, I was constantly looking over my son, John, when he was young to see what was wrong or what needed to be fixed, because if his face was dirty, then that meant I wasn’t a good parent. But unfortunately this also meant that my facial expression was probably full of judgment instead of love. I made a concerted effort years ago to change that after watching an Oprah special on the power and importance of smiling at your child after time apart. I changed my behavior so that when John got home from school — before I did ANYthing else (like asking him to take out the trash) — I looked at him and smiled. I made sure he witnessed my happiness every single time after being apart, no matter what was going on at the time. Think about it…Do you want your child to look at you and wonder what they did wrong or do you want them to sense your love? Our actions are so powerful. All children need to feel validated and cherished and the easiest way to do this is to take a few seconds when you see your child and smile!
Did you Know that Children Look to their Parent to Determine How to Feel?
Part of the reason why the smile action is so important is that “…your face is where your child looks for reassuring, comforting responses and attention.” This NEVER stops. There is no finish line, so no matter how young or old your child becomes, they need you to be their person who is happy to see them. Obviously if something serious is going on, like you just found out your uncle passed away, smiling isn’t what you should do, but thankfully those instances are rare. Smiling is the building block that forms a bond and positively seeds your child’s emotional development. So is asking them about them, which leads us to the next section.
What Should a Parent Do AFTER the Smile?
Children need to feel seen (Human Needs 101 for ALL of us). So start with curiosity! Ask your child about their art work or if she tells you about her friends, ask her what it is that she likes about them. Ferret out the “why” behind their behaviors and thoughts by being curious. John used to love stringing things together with yarn when he was 5 years old, connecting one thing to another, and after a couple weeks of seeing him tie yarn from a doorknob to a chair to a toy, I finally asked him why he was doing it (I assumed it was because he loved Spider Man). He replied, “I’m creating roads!” The strings looked different after that. Asking questions let’s them be seen, helps you bond together by showing you care about what they think and do, and allows you to advance to the Master Level of Parenting…developing positive parenting routines.
How to Reach the Ph.D Level of Parenting
One of the best pieces of advice I was given about parenting was from a close friend. We were discussing the difficulties of parenthood and he said, “For me, one of the hardest parts of being a dad is remembering that I’m not supposed to be the parent I wanted as a child, but the father each of my children needs.” So how do you ensure you are doing that? How can we build a strong enough foundation to overcome the inevitable mistakes we make as a parent? You want to build easy parenting habits that build trust.
What our children need to see when we pick them up is that we are happy to see them. They just need to see you look at them and smile. It shows them consistently, repeatedly, unequivocally that we love them. Are you focused on your son when you pick him up from school, asking questions about his day? Are you smiling when you see your daughter after she wakes up in the morning? If so, you are communicating a powerful message to your child by creating a deeper, more open relationship which you both can happily harvest in the decades to come.
~ Shannon Black, Founder/Co-Owner of Jarrell Montessori
