I remember vividly when John learned the word “no.” It was the kick off to a 2 1/2 year odyssey of epic proportions that didn’t deviate from his newfound independence until he turned about 4 years old. Terrible 2’s? Try Terrible 3’s which bookended Terrible 2’s, sprinkled with willfulness and lovingly garnished with stubborn defiance. John has never done anything half way and discovering where the boundaries were was no exception (spoiler alert: this doesn’t end until they are adults…buckle up). 😉 So if you’re knee-deep in what feels like a behavioral Bermuda Triangle at home, we have some real-world, mom-tested, Jarrell Montessori-approved tips to help you survive (and even thrive!) during this phase.
How to respond when your child says “no” (for the 36th time today)
- Try to understand the “why” behind the “no”: Your child doesn’t want to leave his classroom when you pick him up from school? It makes sense that they want to continue having fun even though you are trying to remember if you have all the ingredients for dinner. Offer a more exciting alternative, like they get to open the mailbox and carry the mail home, or just give them one more minute and enjoy watching them being happy. Figuring out the WHY will help you to offer an alternative option to get them moving.
- Stay positive (even if your eye is twitching): Try to frame your thoughts in a positive light. Instead of, “We can’t go to the park until you finish your drink.” Turn it around to, “As soon as you finish your lunch, we can walk to the park!”
- When no isn’t an option: There are times when safety demands they do what you tell them, like walking across a busy parking lot. If they say “no” to taking your hand, just take their hand. It tells them that it’s not up to discussion. If you think your child may put up a struggle, say they are tired, ask them as you are taking them out of their car seat what what they need to do when you walk to the store. Prep them in advance to get the behavior you expect.
- Check your vocabulary: How many times a day do YOU say no to your child? Our children mimic us and if that’s what they are hearing a lot of, so will you.
- Offer choices instead of commands: Instead of asking your child to come to the table for dinner, ask your child if they want to fill their cup with water first or wash their hands first before eating dinner? You still get what you want but it gives them a feeling of control. You can use this same strategy by redirecting when they aren’t complying with your request.
- Learn how to handle your child when they get overstimulated: Remember that often children get overstimulated, and when that happens, it’s difficult for them to respond to direction. Take them to their room or your car (if you are away from home) so they can take a break for a few minutes and calm down. Once you see that happening, you can ask if they are ready to follow the rules or do what you need to do. If they aren’t ready, then let them stay where they are for a few more minutes.
- Try ignoring them (seriously): For older children especially, they need to know you won’t be drawn into battle every time they want something different. Just tell them you aren’t going to discuss it any more and walk away. Make sure you don’t turn around, keep going. They need to know that there are limits and that they can’t get their way by being argumentative.
Plan Ahead: Your Parenting Superpower
By following the strategies above, your child will know what your behavior expectations are, how you want them to act in certain situations by teaching them what to do, and where the boundaries are drawn. Children have their own thoughts, feelings and ideas on how they think their life should go, just like we do. The trick is to give and lightly push at the right times so your child has enough slack to learn how to become an adult while easily reeling them in when they go too far. We practice these techniques every day at our preschool and they work with practice and patience.
It does get easier (cross my heart)
Parenting a toddler can feel like you’re negotiating with a caffeinated raccoon. As the mom of a 21 year old, I can stand back and see what all of those hair-pulling moments resulted in: a young man who is polite and hard working (but still stubborn and willful; this is reality, people). Easy? Rarely. Worth it? Every bit. I mean, hey, he’s edging my lawn right now for Mom cash. So while children screaming in a restaurant still gives me PTSD, on the flip side, I don’t have to mow my yard today. It’s a balance that works for me. 😉 I hope that these ideas work for you, too.
~ Shannon Black, Founder/Co-Owner of Jarrell Montessori
